I see the future therapy sessions now.

This is why they ask me to behave in public, and I hope they get good jobs with psych insurance. I can't help it.

Junior says: do you have any tips to not get nervous in front of a crowd?
Momma says: um
Momma says: remember that their speeches are not as good as yours
Momma says: they're not as cool
Momma says: everybody has to get up there and do the same darn thing
Momma says: nobody really likes oral com and if they do, they're weird
Momma says: see everyone naked with black socks?
Junior says: why black?
Momma says: because it looks stupid
Momma says: don't look them in the eyes...count the hair between their eyebrows?
Momma says: uh
Momma says: imagine that your words are turning them into seedlings of the evil one
Momma says: am i helping?
Junior says: a little
Momma says: see how many heads you can get to turn by suddenly looking at one part of the room?
Junior says: the best one i can think of, is don't let what others think get to you
Momma says: that's true
Momma says: try to register a 7 on the perk-o-meter.*
Momma says: imagine that if you present it flawlessly, your mother might be happy with an A?
Junior says: i don't think anyones gotten a 100% on a speech
Junior says: yet
Momma says: be the first!
Momma says: Grab the golden ring!
Momma says: Or just pretend that as you're speaking, they're turning into gelatinous goo.
Momma says: Pick a color.
Junior says: pink
Momma says: woo hoo
Momma says: you're visualizing!
Junior says: brown
Momma says: ick
Junior says: ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Momma says: don't imagine a smell to go with it in that case.

*Perk-o-meter: The gauge we use to judge how obnoxious and fake the bank tellers are at one particular perky branch in our area. We'll drive to the other part of town to avoid them, but, sometimes, it can't be helped.