Yeah, I gots me some codeine. Now, please pardon me as I cough and hack until it kicks in, and I can send my precious angels out into the cold, cold weather...
Then, I shall curl up under the covers, alternate sweat and chills, and whimper until this crap goes away.
Music to whine by: Seether - Remedy.
Friday, March 7, 2008
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
I see the future therapy sessions now.
This is why they ask me to behave in public, and I hope they get good jobs with psych insurance. I can't help it.
Junior says: do you have any tips to not get nervous in front of a crowd?
Momma says: um
Momma says: remember that their speeches are not as good as yours
Momma says: they're not as cool
Momma says: everybody has to get up there and do the same darn thing
Momma says: nobody really likes oral com and if they do, they're weird
Momma says: see everyone naked with black socks?
Junior says: why black?
Momma says: because it looks stupid
Momma says: don't look them in the eyes...count the hair between their eyebrows?
Momma says: uh
Momma says: imagine that your words are turning them into seedlings of the evil one
Momma says: am i helping?
Junior says: a little
Momma says: see how many heads you can get to turn by suddenly looking at one part of the room?
Junior says: the best one i can think of, is don't let what others think get to you
Momma says: that's true
Momma says: try to register a 7 on the perk-o-meter.*
Momma says: imagine that if you present it flawlessly, your mother might be happy with an A?
Junior says: i don't think anyones gotten a 100% on a speech
Junior says: yet
Momma says: be the first!
Momma says: Grab the golden ring!
Momma says: Or just pretend that as you're speaking, they're turning into gelatinous goo.
Momma says: Pick a color.
Junior says: pink
Momma says: woo hoo
Momma says: you're visualizing!
Junior says: brown
Momma says: ick
Junior says: ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Momma says: don't imagine a smell to go with it in that case.
*Perk-o-meter: The gauge we use to judge how obnoxious and fake the bank tellers are at one particular perky branch in our area. We'll drive to the other part of town to avoid them, but, sometimes, it can't be helped.
Junior says: do you have any tips to not get nervous in front of a crowd?
Momma says: um
Momma says: remember that their speeches are not as good as yours
Momma says: they're not as cool
Momma says: everybody has to get up there and do the same darn thing
Momma says: nobody really likes oral com and if they do, they're weird
Momma says: see everyone naked with black socks?
Junior says: why black?
Momma says: because it looks stupid
Momma says: don't look them in the eyes...count the hair between their eyebrows?
Momma says: uh
Momma says: imagine that your words are turning them into seedlings of the evil one
Momma says: am i helping?
Junior says: a little
Momma says: see how many heads you can get to turn by suddenly looking at one part of the room?
Junior says: the best one i can think of, is don't let what others think get to you
Momma says: that's true
Momma says: try to register a 7 on the perk-o-meter.*
Momma says: imagine that if you present it flawlessly, your mother might be happy with an A?
Junior says: i don't think anyones gotten a 100% on a speech
Junior says: yet
Momma says: be the first!
Momma says: Grab the golden ring!
Momma says: Or just pretend that as you're speaking, they're turning into gelatinous goo.
Momma says: Pick a color.
Junior says: pink
Momma says: woo hoo
Momma says: you're visualizing!
Junior says: brown
Momma says: ick
Junior says: ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Momma says: don't imagine a smell to go with it in that case.
*Perk-o-meter: The gauge we use to judge how obnoxious and fake the bank tellers are at one particular perky branch in our area. We'll drive to the other part of town to avoid them, but, sometimes, it can't be helped.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Colonoscopies, stomach bug, snow days, and other randomness
I typed a history and physical on a local figure who is due for colonoscopy. There are so many people who would pay to help the doc on this one that it keeps giving me the giggles.
It's just weird. I know families love and depend on each other, but four sisters getting colonoscopies on two subsequent days so they can attend to each other on the opposite days is just really, really creepy. Did they plan it over lunch? There is no family history of cancer or polyps, so that means they're all screening colonoscopies, which means they up and decided to do it--together. They're going to be sharing and sharing alike when it comes prep time--I wonder if they'll live through, "She's hogging the bathroom!"
I just realized that I haven't taken more than 12 Prilosec since quitting for D. Wow. This is despite my ibuprofen usage staying the same. I know it probably doesn't sound like a lot, but I went through Prilosec daily as well as multiple bottles of Tums (generic equivalent) a month. It's really nice to hear the hub ask for the Tums instead of the other way around!
10:20 p.m. - I hope, hope, hope...there is a line of storms moving through the midwest, spreading from OK in a solid wall pushing toward us. We've got some already, but, dangit, I could sure use the kids not having school tomorrow. Apparently, I've managed to get a stomach bug. Yay, me. See "boomerang" post. Geez, it was only head lice I was wishing on this person!
10:48 p.m. - Interesting evening, to say the least. Guy comes in, has warts WAY up inside his rectum. Blames the wife. Yeah, doc didn't buy it either.
11:36 p.m. - I just critiqued a 5-minute speech written in about that much time with about that much forethought by a 16-year-old who had two weeks to write said speech. He was doing so much better...and, yay me again, we get to play the same game until May, when he has to turn in a research paper on an environmental issue.
"What frosts you about the environment?" I asked.
"I don't pay any attention," he says. "Are you going to help me?"
"Have you picked a topic?"
"No." Sorry, son, who's been with me the longest, you should know by now that, without a topic, I can't even begin to direct you. I foresee long nights of IM communiques. Dammit, I'm going to have to teach him how to write references. Ibid, ibid, ibid, in excelcious deo, amen.
5:56 a.m. - Awake after a 3-hour nap. I woke up and, to my delight, the kids have no school. Yay. I can whine about body aches, stomach pains, and flu until the kids get tired of listening, leave me completely alone, and I can sleep the sleep of ages. I have to finish work first, tho. Yay, me.
6:22 a.m. - You know, I can take a break to discover my name's hidden powers...the e-mail says so!
Nah. Those things are always a little disappointing. I always *almost* have it all. I suspect that is the big draw, tho. You keep following the advice and hopefully, in time, have it all.
6:48 a.m. - Good indicator that you don't feel well: Your 18-pound cat hops down from the back of your chair, scaring the shit fuzzy fuck out of you, and you never realized his tubby self got up there to begin with. He must've snuck up there while I was contemplating how one of our local physician's names sounds like something a mobile patient with a urinary catheter straps to his/her leg for discreet outings, "Oh, full leg baggy." I am so flippin' warped. At least it temporarily overrides my fixation with Dr. Dick Head. Please add this to the fact that the only reason I'm still awake and typing is in the off chance that one of my kids wakes up, looks at the clock, sits bolt upright, and then flies down the stairs thinking he/she is late for school. It happened last week, so I'm thinking it won't happen, but it's too funny when it does. Of course, they knew about the inclement weather, despite my assurances that the last few storms missed us and it looked like this one would, too. Maybe they bought it. Probably not. They're less gullible than I am.
7:08 a.m. - OMG! Woo hoo! I got TWO of them...they both jumped up and ran downstairs...and, the reaction? "You mean I woke up for nothing?"
Welcome to my world. It's okay. They like me here.
It's just weird. I know families love and depend on each other, but four sisters getting colonoscopies on two subsequent days so they can attend to each other on the opposite days is just really, really creepy. Did they plan it over lunch? There is no family history of cancer or polyps, so that means they're all screening colonoscopies, which means they up and decided to do it--together. They're going to be sharing and sharing alike when it comes prep time--I wonder if they'll live through, "She's hogging the bathroom!"
I just realized that I haven't taken more than 12 Prilosec since quitting for D. Wow. This is despite my ibuprofen usage staying the same. I know it probably doesn't sound like a lot, but I went through Prilosec daily as well as multiple bottles of Tums (generic equivalent) a month. It's really nice to hear the hub ask for the Tums instead of the other way around!
10:20 p.m. - I hope, hope, hope...there is a line of storms moving through the midwest, spreading from OK in a solid wall pushing toward us. We've got some already, but, dangit, I could sure use the kids not having school tomorrow. Apparently, I've managed to get a stomach bug. Yay, me. See "boomerang" post. Geez, it was only head lice I was wishing on this person!
10:48 p.m. - Interesting evening, to say the least. Guy comes in, has warts WAY up inside his rectum. Blames the wife. Yeah, doc didn't buy it either.
11:36 p.m. - I just critiqued a 5-minute speech written in about that much time with about that much forethought by a 16-year-old who had two weeks to write said speech. He was doing so much better...and, yay me again, we get to play the same game until May, when he has to turn in a research paper on an environmental issue.
"What frosts you about the environment?" I asked.
"I don't pay any attention," he says. "Are you going to help me?"
"Have you picked a topic?"
"No." Sorry, son, who's been with me the longest, you should know by now that, without a topic, I can't even begin to direct you. I foresee long nights of IM communiques. Dammit, I'm going to have to teach him how to write references. Ibid, ibid, ibid, in excelcious deo, amen.
5:56 a.m. - Awake after a 3-hour nap. I woke up and, to my delight, the kids have no school. Yay. I can whine about body aches, stomach pains, and flu until the kids get tired of listening, leave me completely alone, and I can sleep the sleep of ages. I have to finish work first, tho. Yay, me.
6:22 a.m. - You know, I can take a break to discover my name's hidden powers...the e-mail says so!
Nah. Those things are always a little disappointing. I always *almost* have it all. I suspect that is the big draw, tho. You keep following the advice and hopefully, in time, have it all.
6:48 a.m. - Good indicator that you don't feel well: Your 18-pound cat hops down from the back of your chair, scaring the shit fuzzy fuck out of you, and you never realized his tubby self got up there to begin with. He must've snuck up there while I was contemplating how one of our local physician's names sounds like something a mobile patient with a urinary catheter straps to his/her leg for discreet outings, "Oh, full leg baggy." I am so flippin' warped. At least it temporarily overrides my fixation with Dr. Dick Head. Please add this to the fact that the only reason I'm still awake and typing is in the off chance that one of my kids wakes up, looks at the clock, sits bolt upright, and then flies down the stairs thinking he/she is late for school. It happened last week, so I'm thinking it won't happen, but it's too funny when it does. Of course, they knew about the inclement weather, despite my assurances that the last few storms missed us and it looked like this one would, too. Maybe they bought it. Probably not. They're less gullible than I am.
7:08 a.m. - OMG! Woo hoo! I got TWO of them...they both jumped up and ran downstairs...and, the reaction? "You mean I woke up for nothing?"
Welcome to my world. It's okay. They like me here.
Monday, March 3, 2008
Hate me not for questioning the intelligence...
of my own children.
::hanging head::
I remember that they're mine and, therefore, temporary lapses in thought processes are not expected but encouraged, for blog material if not my own amusement and self-justification. Having said that:
Dude, 7:25 a.m., this very morning, year of our Lord 2008...
I see my darling redhead, my pride, my comfort child. He walks with a rather hard-riding cowboy-ish stance. Usually, the prickly heat doesn't affect him in February, so, naturally, I asked what's up.
"I had to wear some rather wet jeans today!" he yells at me.
"You took them from the line?" I asked.
"Yes." His tone is a mix of "Well, duh!" and "That is the most ignorant question I've ever heard" with a dash of "It's morning, heifer. Leave me alone!"
"Why didn't you check the dryer?" I asked.
"You didn't tell me to!" he said.
I shook my head, not even going into the fact that he never asked before he got dressed, but it's just not even worth it. Had I launched into it, I would have said: This is a jeans-and-T-shirt household. Jeans x 5 people + Ameren screwing us = some get hung, some get dried. For every 10 pairs of jeans on the line, there are usually two pairs in the dryer. Hello, I'm on top of the laundry sitch, and Stud even more so! On Monday? After all weekend?
I gave him his jeans. I think I need to go find the damp ones...I know darn well he didn't hang them back up on the line.
We're not even getting into the fact that Sunny's yelling at me because I didn't cure her little nagging cough before standardized testing this week. How this translates to all my fault really has me flummoxed.
P.S. Thanks all for reading my Ode to Crystal. I keep checking her site, and the comments of support keep growing and growing. That's what she needs, and you kick ass.
::hanging head::
I remember that they're mine and, therefore, temporary lapses in thought processes are not expected but encouraged, for blog material if not my own amusement and self-justification. Having said that:
Dude, 7:25 a.m., this very morning, year of our Lord 2008...
I see my darling redhead, my pride, my comfort child. He walks with a rather hard-riding cowboy-ish stance. Usually, the prickly heat doesn't affect him in February, so, naturally, I asked what's up.
"I had to wear some rather wet jeans today!" he yells at me.
"You took them from the line?" I asked.
"Yes." His tone is a mix of "Well, duh!" and "That is the most ignorant question I've ever heard" with a dash of "It's morning, heifer. Leave me alone!"
"Why didn't you check the dryer?" I asked.
"You didn't tell me to!" he said.
I shook my head, not even going into the fact that he never asked before he got dressed, but it's just not even worth it. Had I launched into it, I would have said: This is a jeans-and-T-shirt household. Jeans x 5 people + Ameren screwing us = some get hung, some get dried. For every 10 pairs of jeans on the line, there are usually two pairs in the dryer. Hello, I'm on top of the laundry sitch, and Stud even more so! On Monday? After all weekend?
I gave him his jeans. I think I need to go find the damp ones...I know darn well he didn't hang them back up on the line.
We're not even getting into the fact that Sunny's yelling at me because I didn't cure her little nagging cough before standardized testing this week. How this translates to all my fault really has me flummoxed.
P.S. Thanks all for reading my Ode to Crystal. I keep checking her site, and the comments of support keep growing and growing. That's what she needs, and you kick ass.
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