The Other Side Of Me

I have gone beyond needy.

I need.

I just need.

I guess it hurt to get on FB and I was about the only one an old group of employees at CB was not looking for. I worked there for four years. I did contact one of the guys, though, and he got back to me right away.

I need.

I think a hug would do. I feel like I've been emotionally leeched from for so long that I really need to be an emotional leech to someone.

I want to spend the night in a hotel, one with a jacuzzi, just so every part of me, from the earlobes down, is submersed and buffeted.

I need a cigarette. I quit two weeks ago. I'm missing it like an old friend. In fact, I have MOURNED. I want a cigarette. Nicotine has been my constant companion for so long, my sidekick, and my cloud barrier between you and me. It helped my persona look tougher (in reality, probably just more stupid, but I felt tougher).

I want my dog back, too. That would help. We got another dog and she's okay, but she's not Mr. Dawg. I don't want to get rid of her; no, I think they'd get along so well. They'd be so good together. She's been a wonderful Band-Aid, but she's Mr. Dawg's polar opposite, almost as neurotic as me!

I just need something.

I guess when I thought about cigarette withdrawal symptoms before, I thought a person would go so nuts from wanting something that they would go back to the bad habit. I found out differently. The SYMPTOMS from the smoking (the clenched-up bowels, the heartburn, the horrible taste in your mouth, the cilia coming back to life and bringing bad cases of the snots to every orifice, etc.) are the reasons people go back to smoking. I was very tempted. I would have traded a cig for a shit at one point. TMI, I know, but it's the damn truth. Even Bowel Drano (mag citrate) didn't touch it!

I feel stupid, too. I really hadn't been out of the house all week. Seriously. I did not go out of the house from Monday until Monday again. Wow. At least when I smoked, I had to go out for cigs. I usually have a problem when I go out of the house and get to talk to adults, but it was in hyperdrive today. I embarrassed the children, again. I got cautioned about talking to strangers, again. I got the "can't take you anywhere" schpiel, again. I know I'm being annoying. I can see it when they start thinking I need the Pooh print straightjacket, but just one more sentence.

Maybe I can make you laugh if I can't laugh on my own.

The kids don't do it to be mean. I seriously embarrassed myself and blushed furiously on the way home when I realized just how goofy I came across. I just have NO ONE.

I'm afraid I'll run off all my FB contacts just by annoying them to death. I mean, what is facebook protocol? These people have like 300 friends and stuff...do they really want to hear from people that often? Some of these people I admired so much more than they probably admired me; do they care if I'm lonely at 2:00 a.m. and need someone to chat with?

Christ. WTF. Shit fuzzy fuck.